The Nerve!

It's time for me to come clean...I'm crazy. Okay, so maybe crazy isn't totally accurate, but it's not totally inaccurate either. I'm guessing that this isn't really a newsflash to the handful of you that read my blog. Maybe a better description than crazy is that sometimes I tend to lean toward the "glass is half-empty" side of things. I've taken every pill on the market and talked myself blue with therapists. If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll even admit that I've been hospitalized and had my brain shocked for it. One day maybe I'll tell you some of my stories from the psych ward. I met Jesus there and delivered an alien baby in the middle of the night for starters. However, that will have to wait for another day because this blog is about something else.

It's been a couple of years since I've seen a therapist because I had one for a long time named Erin that I know Heavenly Father put on the earth just for me. She patched me up pretty good and I had my brain shocked, so life was a pleasure and I had no need. The last several months, however, life has slowly felt less pleasurable and more glass half-emptyish again. Since being sad is not my best or most favorite feature, I decided to go back to therapy. I called Family Support and Treatment Center in Orem because they are so wonderful at that place. I’ve always had a girl therapist because who wants to tell their feelings to a boy? Not me, that's who. They happen to be on my list of reasons that I have a therapist in the first place. However, I failed to mention that when I called for the appointment. The nice receptionist put me on a waiting list and 6 weeks later I got a call telling me there was an opening. The same nice receptionist girl left me a message telling me that my new emotional best friend's name was Nevin Alderman and would Mondays at 4:00 be okay? I called her back and my conversation with the receptionist went a little like this:

"So, my new therapists name is Nevin, huh? That sounds suspiciously like a boy's name."

"Yes, Nevin is a boy. He's super nice."

"Oh, I'm, sure he is, only I'm also pretty sure I don't want to find out how nice. I don't know if I want to talk to a boy. I’ve tried to convince myself that I’d be okay, but now I'm thinking maybe not. Only I don't know as I want to wait another forever hoping that a girl therapist gets an opening. So, basically I don't know what I want to do. What do you think?"

"Well, Nevin really is so nice. We really love him here. Why don't you just come in once and give it a try? If you can't do it, then I know he'll be happy to help you figure out what to do."

I decided to do what she said. After all, my first appointment was a week away and I had plenty of time to chicken out. All week I convinced myself that I was feeling pretty good and not so depressed anymore. The closer Monday came the more I wanted to puke, so I decided that I'd call and just cancel all together. The Monday of my appointment I was having lunch with my Amy friend and telling her my plan to just not have therapy at all. She told me basically what the receptionist did and that there was a reason I went to the trouble to get the appointment, so I'd might as well go and see what happens. What was the worst that could happen? Mostly puking was the worst so I decided that she had a point, and I didn't call and cancel. However, I did decide that as soon as I got there I'd tell him that it was nothing personal, but I didn't like him and would prefer a girl therapist or maybe none at all. I would never tell someone what that isn't a therapist that I didn't like them, but I know that therapists are trained to be loving no matter what and that they really don't care because after all it is a crazy person telling them that. It's like when my kids don't love me best. I'm not sad because they are dumb kids and I don't need 14 year old friends.

When I got to the Family Support and Treatment Center, Nevin made me wait for 10 minutes past when our appointment was supposed to start and that made it all the easier for me to tell him I didn't like him. Finally, he came to get me and he acted like maybe meeting me was the highlight of his whole day. Darn it! How am I supposed to tell him how much I don't like him if he's going to act like?! Plus, the fact that he is fairly young and flashed a million dollar smile didn't help much. I have a student named Bryan that does that very same thing when he's doing something naughty 'cause he knows I'm a sucker for it.

We went into his office and he was just chit chatting with me about this, that and the other. I kept waiting for a good time to give him the bad news. Before I knew it, he pulled out some paperwork and said that he just wanted to go over that real quick. Okay, I'd tell him right after that. That seemed like a good time to do it. Only too bad for me because we never got through the paperwork! He tricked me by having lots of questions in that paperwork that required me to tell him lots of stuff I had no intention of telling him. I still thought that maybe I could work me not liking him into the conversation. Only he did something totally nervy. As I was talking he kept using phrases like:

“Wow, you are really ambitious.”
“You are so funny. I can tell that we are going to get along great.”
“Your kids at school must really love you.”
“I can’t believe how strong you are and what a survivor you are.”
“Do you know how amazing you are because other people with your experiences are typically so glum and absorbed in always being a victim.”

Don’t you think that was pretty nervy of him to say all that nice stuff when I’m doing my best to not like him? He was downright charming, and I didn’t appreciate it one bit! At the end of our session he said that he was excited for our time together and that he was really surprised that I was willing to work with him because he now knew that boys aren’t high on my list of trustworthy people. NOW was my chance. Only too bad for me because by then I really did like him. So instead, I told him that I meant to tell him in the beginning that I didn’t like him and that I wanted another therapist but that it didn’t work out so good for me because now I actually liked him. He laughed because I think he knew how tricky he was.  Maybe next time I try to hate someone it will work out better for me.